You Might Be A Rednick If... (Part VII)

...your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.
...your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...your lips move while reading a stop sign.
...your masseuse uses lard.
...your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
...your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you've met your future wife.
...your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
...your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
...your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
...your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
...your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
...your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
...your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
...your mother is hairier than your father.
...your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
...your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
...your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.
...your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
...your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
...your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
...your prom date is your brother, or if you went to the prom in your father's pickup truck!
...your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
...your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
...your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
...your secret family recipe is illegal.
...your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
...your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
...your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
...your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
...your toilet paper has page numbers on it!
...your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
...your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
...your wedding was held in the delivery room.
...your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
...your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
...your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
...your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
...your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
...your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table!
...your wife wears the same underwear as you do.
...your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
...your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
...your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan!
...your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.